Anger Management
by Loki Palmer
Summary: Hermione comes up with a brilliant idea: why not make a wager to see how well Voldemort can handle his emotions? Add in a madman's dose of a madman and his equally mad girlfriend, and hilarity threatens to ensue ... HP/HG, OC/LL
1. Chapter 1

" **Anger Management** **"**

By Loki Palmer

 **Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I daresay this fanfic will be quite the hilarious one, eh? The inspiration for this is an episode of Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam, though the title I have chosen seems to suggest a movie with Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson (a funny one, no doubt, and there are similarities between the two, but it is the first one that has inspired this dish). Enjoy!**

 **Chapter 1**

Hermione came up the stairs to the Gryffindor boys' dorm. "Loki? Loki, are you in there? Oh, great Merlin, Loki – you and Luna are snoozing in bed?"

"Well, where else did you think we would be?" said Luna.

Loki yawned like a bear coming out of hibernation, reached for his glasses, and blinked at Hermione. "What? Did I miss class, or breakfast?"

"Loki, it's the weekend, so you didn't miss class … breakfast is a different story, however. Now, if the both of you would like to get out of bed so you can have some breakfast – LOKI MICHAEL PALMER, WOULD YOU PLEASE PUT SOME CLOTHES ON FIRST?!"

Loki saw Hermione's blushing face and her hand covering her eyes. He looked down at his own body. "Oh … right … where did I put my underpants? Ah, thanks, Luna."

"Why don't you try going without them?" said Luna. "It can feel liberating to let your equipment breathe, you know."

"I don't doubt that, Luna, but it's for hygienic reasons."

"Fair enough, but don't knock it until you've tried it."

Loki leaned in Luna's direction. "Who says I haven't tried it, you naughty minx?"

Hermione could hear Luna yelp from a light smack he delivered to the backside. "Are the both of you decent, at least?"

"Quite so as far as I'm concerned, Hermione, though I don't know what I can say for my little Lulu here. Where's breakfast?"

"Harry and I saved some for you in the common room. Come get it before Ron can't resist the temptation anymore and eats it for you."

 **~ANGER MANAGEMENT~**

"So, Harry, tell me this: why is your girlfriend waking us up at this time of morning?"

"Oh, you looked so peaceful, and I didn't want to wake you … but she just came up with a brilliant idea. When she told it to us, Ron said it was barking mad, but she said _I know someone who can be the judge of that_ , and here you are."

Loki paused within his breakfast to swallow his most recent bite. "Well, within every genius lies the spark of a person who has gone off the deep end, right? In all the years we have known Hermione, she has sparked many brilliant ideas, but as far as barking mad goes, this one must take the cake. What is this brilliant, yet barking mad idea?"

"What if you and Luna were to go on our behalf to Voldemort with a wager?"

"Hmmm … intriguing … continue, please."

"We make an offer to him of one thousand million Galleons IF he can show himself to be a person of a stable temperament. You are to stay at Voldemort's as long as you like to see what kind of temperament he can have. For each outburst of anger he has, you get to deduct some money. If you determine he can have a stable temperament, whatever money is left becomes his. If he loses all the money, he and his Death Eaters give Harry an unconditional surrender."

Luna raised her hand. "What if he decides to torture us, or worse, kills us?"

"In those cases, he forfeits the whole lot. What do you think, Loki?"

Loki's eyes sparked with the joy of an amazing prank to come as his mouth put on a madman's grin. "I think it's genius. When do we start?"

Ron raised his hand. "I hate to rain on the parade, Loki, but what if Voldemort, or one of his Death Eaters, decides to kill you first and ask questions later?"

Loki scratched his hairy chin in some thought. "An interesting point, Ron, but how can they ask questions from a couple of corpses? No, I believe his curiosity would keep him from smiting me first. Why would his archenemy send a friend to parley with him? Allow me to rephrase a classic Muggle saying: Curiosity drove the cat mad … oh, hey, Crookshanks ..."

"Meow?" Crookshanks leaped into Loki's lap, butted his hand, and purred as Loki petted him.

"I stand by what I said, Loki: this plan is brilliant, but it is barking mad."

"This is why I am sending a barking madman to pull it off, Ron," said Hermione. "We never send a normal kid to pull off a madman's job."

"Hermione," said Harry, "you know I'm not normal."

"True, Harry, but you are Number One on Voldemort's hit list. I would go with the both of them to see how this turns out, but as I am your girlfriend, I guess I would be Number Two. As for Loki, he could care less whether he lives or dies –"

"– Although I prefer living, thank you very much –"

"– Thank you, Loki. I stand corrected. Even so, he remains the best person for this job."

"Why send Luna with him?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Try to keep up, Ron."

"I'm trying, but wouldn't this mean more worries for Loki defending her should the plan go sour?"

Luna pointed her glowing wand between his eyes. "Ron, I am not some damsel in distress who cannot defend herself, unlike a brilliant witch we all know and love."

"HEY!" said Hermione. "I'M NOT A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS EITHER!"

Luna glanced at Hermione. "Maybe not now, but what about that Troll in the bathroom during first year?"

As the Gryffindors laughed, Loki licked his finger to mark a point on an imaginary scoreboard.

 **Author's Note: Read and review! More hilarity to come later!**

 **Smiles and laughter,**

 **Loki Palmer**


	2. Chapter 2

" **Anger Management"**

By Loki Palmer

 **Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters (with the exception of Loki) belong to J.K. Rowling.**

 **Chapter 2**

Albus Dumbledore had a merry twinkling in his eyes. "Miss Granger … this plan is most unorthodox ..."

"You mean it's a bad plan?"

"No, not at all. It is unorthodox in the sense that it is a move Voldemort will not expect from us."

Professor Snape rolled his eyes. "I hate to agree with Mr. Weasley ..."

"Excuse me?"

"…. Please, Mr. Weasley … you do have a valid point. This plan is, as you would say, barking mad."

"Do you doubt my abilities, Professor Snape?" said Loki.

"Let us consider for a moment that the Dark Lord is an accomplished Occlumens, Mr. Palmer. This means he can block off his mind to any magical intrusions and therefore he has better control of his emotions. The chances of you breaking through his emotional control would be the same as the Houses of Gryffindor and Slytherin laying down a permanent truce … and keeping it ..."

"Fair point, Professor Snape, but past records have shown Voldemort to kill and torture his own followers on a whim."

"Touché. Even if this plan works, I do not wish to be among the possible casualties. We Slytherins have a different attitude towards conflict than the Gryffindors. We tend to calculate the odds first before we choose to engage someone in battle; we do not charge in with our wands blazing."

"Who says I go in with my wand blazing, Professor Snape?" said Harry. "My wand doesn't blaze … at least, as far as I'm aware."

"If you didn't have Miss Granger around, Potter, I'm sure you would have died several times. What would you do if somebody harmed her?"

Harry's nostrils flared, his eyes smoldered, and his fists clenched for a brief moment, but then he relaxed as he said, "Why don't you ask the shade of Tom Riddle that lived in the diary from my second year? Oh, wait – you can't do that, because it's gone to the Abyss where it belongs!"

Professor Snape smirked as the sound of a thunderclap echoed. "I rest my case."

"I trust you have written up a document delineating this wager, Miss Granger?" said Dumbledore.

Hermione brought it out. "Here it is."

Dumbledore examined it. "Well, this appears to be an airtight wager. What if he was to torture, or kill, his own followers?"

"A good point, Headmaster," said Professor Snape.

"In order to cast an Unforgivable Curse," said Loki, "a strong emotion is required with it. In the case of the Cruciatus or the Avada Kedavra, there would be hatred involved. Hatred is a manifestation of anger. Casting these would be a sign that he cannot control his anger."

"Is it fair to say the more I hear about this idea, the more I am liking it … and dreading it?" said Professor Snape.

Loki's answer was a grin, while Dumbledore looked at Professor McGonagall. "Minerva, you haven't said a word."

"My thoughts, Headmaster, echo those of Severus. Like him, I have a bad feeling about this ..."

"O ye of little faith," said Loki.

"What could possibly go wrong?" said Luna.

Professor Snape shook his head. "I don't know. How about … everything?"

 **~ANGER MANAGEMENT~**

DING DONG!

"Lucius, could you see who is at the door?"

"Right away, My Lord." He opened the door. "May I help you?"

"Lucius Malfoy, I presume?" Lucius nodded. "Ah, excellent. My name is Loki Palmer, and this is my girlfriend Luna Lovegood. We have a most generous monetary offer for your Master, one Lord Voldemort –"

"– A generous monetary offer, you say? How much?"

"Oh, somewhere in the neighborhood of … one billion Galleons."

"ONE BILLION GALLEONS?!"

Luna said into Loki's ear, "Loki, a billion in Great Britain is the equivalent of what the Americans call a trillion … you know, one with 12 zeroes following ..."

Loki rolled his eyes. "Forgive me, Lord Malfoy. You Brits and your numbers … I meant to say a thousand million Galleons … a mighty generous sum, if I do say so myself."

"Who cares about whether it is a thousand million or a billion? Come in, come in, and be welcome in my House! Please, come right this way ..."

 **~ANGER MANAGEMENT~**

After Lucius had introduced them – and made mention of the offer – Lord Voldemort looked at them with interest.

"To whom do I owe this generosity?"

"For all I know, Lord Voldemort, it could come from my vault, it could come from Harry Potter's vault, why should it matter? The conditions of the offer matter more to you, do they not?"

"Conditions, you say?"

Loki took out the document.

"To one Tom Marvolo Riddle, who prefers the dreaded name of Lord Voldemort:

We have made you a most generous offer of one thousand million Galleons – not a billion, Loki, please try to remember that numbers are different here in Great Britain – on condition that you, Lord Voldemort – hereafter the Recipient – can show yourself to be a person of a stable temper. By the words stable temper, we mean that the Recipient is not prone to anger. Our representatives – Loki Palmer and Luna Lovegood – will stay in the company of the Recipient for as long as they desire to see if he can be such a person, or until all the money is lost. For each outburst of anger, our Representatives will deduct an amount of money, the amount of which will be up to their discretion. Should the Recipient lose the entire amount, he and his followers, the Death Eaters, will come to Harry Potter at Hogwarts and give him their unconditional surrender. Use of any of the three Unforgivable Curses – the Imperius, the Cruciatus, or the Avada Kedavra – on our Representatives, or murder of the same, or grievous injury of the same, will mean an automatic forfeit of the money, with the aforementioned consequence of unconditional surrender to Harry Potter.

– Wow, Hermione, you thought of everything, didn't you?

– Of course I did – oh, shut up, Ronald! We're using a bloody Dicta-Quill, for Merlin's sake!

STOP LAUGHING, LOKI!

Signed,

Harry Potter and Hermione Granger

Witnesses: Ronald Weasley, Dean Thomas, Fred and George Weasley, Seamus Finnegan, Headmaster Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Professor Minerva McGonagall, Professor Severus Snape, Professor Filius Flitwick, Professor Pomona Sprout.

P.S.,

Have fun!

Prank Voldyshorts without mercy!

FRED, GEORGE! YOU TWO ARE SO INCORRIGIBLE!"

Voldemort chuckled about the humor within the document as he took it and signed it. "Well, this sounds like quite a wager. I daresay, Lucius, winning this wager will be easier than scaring Muggle children on Halloween night ..."

 **~CUTAWAY GAG~**

As Voldemort was passing through the trick or treating children one Halloween, one girl came to him and said, "Mister, aren't you a bit old for trick or treating?"

Voldemort lowered himself to her height. "Well … no … not really … BOO!"

"AAAH! MOMMY, MOMMY! I SAW A SCARY MAN OUT THERE WITH RED EYES AND NO NOSE!"

Voldemort rolled his eyes. _Silly Muggles. Doubtless, her mother will pass it off as part of the Halloween season. Now to scram out of here …_

 **~END CUTAWAY GAG~**

"You two must be famished from your journey. Come and eat. Let it not be said that I am an ungracious host."

Loki bowed and Luna curtsied. "Thank you."

 **Author's Note: Ah, Voldemort may think it will be an easy wager … but will it? Read and review!**

 **Smiles and laughter,**

 **Loki Palmer**


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